Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
