Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
