i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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