I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
