Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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