That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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