It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
