he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
