Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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