trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
