I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
