I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
