there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
