i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
