she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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