I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
