Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize