Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
