so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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