Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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