Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
