fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
