So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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