She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
