im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
