I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
