If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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