Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
