My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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