bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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