Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize