How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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