my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
