Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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