he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
