I heard we made out
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
