Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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