id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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