All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
