I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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