i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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