I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
