I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
