I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize