i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
