OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize