Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
