Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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