i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
