Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
