wrigley field is MILF paradise
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
