I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
