Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
