I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
