No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
