im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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