and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
