I think I won the penis lottery.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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