Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
