i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
