I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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