My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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